Listen up boys and girls. I live in LA and don’t do drugs to fall asleep. Used to. Not anymore. Not as of 2 days ago. Nope. Now, I lay in bed at night wishing someone I love was laying next to me. Preferably a straight woman, but I would settle for a lesbian who hasn’t come out of the closet yet, or a goat. I would love nothing more than to lay next to someone who rolls over and smiles at me when I turn on my lamp to read, “Growing up Goat Boy” by Jim Breuer. Someone who wraps her hoofs around me when they need to feel safe. I’m looking for what I have coined as, “someone to baaa.”
Pay attention you snot nosed little brats! Here’s the reality of dating when you’re older. I have confessed my love to three people in the last 4 months only to be rejected by every single one. I have even found myself staying in an expensive hotel with one of these girls and nothing happened. Nothing! Not even a hug! As a matter of fact I slept full clothed in the tub while she slept on 1/3 of the king size bed. Reasons for the rejections? “You’re in the same industry as me.” “Your nose looks like a ski slope. Therefore, I don’t ever want to have kids with you. Furthermore, that means I don’t ever want to touch you.” “Your dick isn’t goat looking enough.” Is that the kind of shit you want to hear when you’re paying $450/night at the Four Seasons in Marina Del Rey you zit faced little 16yr old? Of course not!
Now get this you punk little kids! I was there, man! Right where you are. 6yrs old telling my mom that, ‘I wanted to be single for the rest of my life. Never get married, or settle down. None of that would be for me.’ She laughed and told me that I would change my mind someday. She was right. Now, I walk around seeing lovers in love and want nothing more than to find the person that I can help make happy through love and support. By the way I also told my mom when I was 6 that when I grew up, “I wanted to be big, black, and play basketball.” I tell you that because it shows that I didn’t know shit when I was 6yrs old, and neither do you.
If you are reading this and are still in High School then marry whoever you love and loves you back. Seriously, get married. You won’t regret it. The younger the better. Find someone to take to prom, have unprotected consensual sex with her, and boom! Life is now meaningful and easy! Congrats! You’re way ahead of me and my low sperm count.
Don’t take anything I say seriously, but I’m sure you are asking yourself, “Dr. Novak (I’m a Dr. like Dr. Dre is a Dr.) what about taking a year off to travel Europe or go to college? Won’t marriage get in the way of that?” What a stupid question. You should see how alone my place looks. My sheets are bright white. You know why? Because I don’t worry about stains. Which means I’m alone. That will make sense when you get married next May.
Some others of you may be asking, “but what if I’m gay and can’t get married?” I don’t know what to say to that. Other than isn’t it fucking crazy that you can’t? Especially when the majority of the people think you should. But you can still move in together, play video games while smoking pot, drinking and not feeling guilty about any of it, because you are with someone you love. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to rest up. As tomorrow I am going to try to woo a 44yr old goat once more.
