I took a tumblr
Jimmy Buffett’s - Margherita Pizza

"Margherita Pizza"

Nibblin’ on Breadsticks,

watchin’ the crust bake;

All of those tomatoes covered with oil.

Strummin’ my six string on my front porch swing.

Smell the mozzarella

It’s beginnin’ to melt.

Eatin’ away again on Margherita Pizza,

Searchin’ for all of the sauce.

(Where’s the sauce? Where’s the goddamn sauce?)

Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,

But I know it’s the Restaurant Manager’s fault.

Don’t know the reason,

Put on too many seasonings

With nothing to show but this bas-il.

But it taste leafy,

A little like parsley, how it got here

I haven’t a clue.

Eatin’ away again on Margherita Pizza,

Searchin’ for all of the sauce.

(Where’s the sauce? Where’s the goddamn sauce?)

Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame now I think, - hell it

could be the Chef’s fault.

I blew out my flip-flop,

Stepped on a pop top,

Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.

But there’s garlic in the blender,

And soon it will render

That tasty concoction that helps me hang on.

Eatin’ away again on Margherita Pizza,

Searchin’ for all of the sauce.

(Where’s the sauce? Where’s the goddamn sauce?)

 Yes, and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame

And I know it’s my own damn fault.

My Wife and I Went To Vegas and All I Got Was This Cheese Shirt

Hello from windy and warm Dallas.

Your mom and I are home safely from Vegas.  We stayed at a real fancy placed called Aria. Just a real beautiful place. I think it’s Oriental themed or something modern.  I can’t tell. Met these two nice young boys who reside in LA. I was on the elevator with them by myself.  Your mom was drying her hair, and I was itchin’ to go play “Sex in the City.” Why do I always get the shoes as the bonus? I keep telling the machine, “I want Dresses!”  Anywho, these two youngings asked me if I chose the elevator music we were riding on. I think it was Jay-Z, and I was wearing my evening overalls.  So, the joke made me laugh which makes me think of your wonderful smile.  Funny thing, on the way to Celine Dion the next evening your mom and I ran into those same boys. I introduced them to your mom, and after a brief conversation with them your mom could only talk about how she thought the big fella was on MDMA. Like the “pure chit” she kept saying, because “his eyes were saucers but he didn’t seem speedy.” I’d laugh. Your mom and I had a blast. 

With all my love,

Your dad from Texas

P.S. Your mom bought me a Cheese Shirt from the Cheese Factory. You’ll have to see it when you and Tom are down next Winter. 


The rules that will save the NFL.

1) Weight limits on each position. For example, 255lb for Offensive and Defensive Line including Tight Ends, 180lb for Receivers, 235lb and no more than 6’7” tall for a QB, 99lbs for Kickers, 205lbs for running backs.  

2) All Coaches and Kickers have to be women.

3) A special adult cable channel that only airs uncensored “mic’d ups” and locker room web cameras. The channel shall be called  SUPERBULLXXXX and be referred to as Channel BS.  People will ask things like, “did you watch the BS channel last night?” Calling it BS will make creating funny commercials to promote the channel much easier. The actors can say things like, “hey did you totally watch the BS channel last night?”  Or something funny. We will get our writers on it.  

4) Extend the goal posts by placing laser lights on top of each pole. They would turn on when a team is getting ready to attempt a field goal. They will shoot light into outer space. Make them red and make them thick.  Like a thousand laser light pens shooting straight up thick. Each game can have a famous person who turns the laser lights on for that game. Celebrities like Toby Keith, Timberlake, and Pitbull.  

4a) If the ball touches or goes through the light at all it’s 3 points for the kicking team.   

5) Keep teams from choosing safeties over field position. Safeties are worth 5 points. 

6) Are you serious with this weather? All Games Played in Domes. However, like 60 minutes ‘Except on the West Coast.’ Nothing better than a magic hour contest at the Rose Bowl.   

7) 7 teams immediately move to LA.  2 downtown, 1 Pasadena, 3 teams in Malibu, and 1 around Bludso’s BBQ in Compton. 

8)  Bludso’s BBQ must be open during all home and away games. 

9) With the exception of the San Diego Chicken, no more mascots. Especially live animals.  

10) Anyone can call for a fair catch at any time.  I.e. Ball in the air defender sees he has it.  He calls for a fair catch. At this time the Offensive Player must fall back. 

I hope these rules help.




1) Actor

2) President of the U.S. 

3) Mick Jagger

4) President of Ireland

5) Professional Athlete

6) Single Dad

7) Backwoods Skier

8) Entrepreneur - (pro-nounced en·tre·pre·neur) - (meaning - A person who organizes, operates, and assumes the risk for a business venture. People just like our readers.)

9) Soldier…the ones that fight not the ones who are in it for the free camping. 

My friend and I were talking about how hard it must be to be a Soldier. A job so tough I can’t even imagine what their experiences must actually feel like even after they tell me. And it’s ridiculous that anyone would ever come close to comparing what he or she do to what it’s like being in the Armed Forces. You hear Presidents reflect on how great their time was in office and how much an Actor enjoyed their time on set.  You hardly ever hear a Soldier reflect on how much they loved their time in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, or any of the other “7 million places that we have bases”(copyright US Navy). I don’t know if today is a scheduled holiday for a Soldier but quite honestly every day should be a day that we celebrate these women, men, and their families who protect us.  They deserve our respect, love, and a new pair of Levi Jeans (page 104). 

All kidding aside I sincerely thank all of you,

 Playboy Magazine (circa 1976)

I Never Get Asked

I never get asked, “Hey Brady, how are you so happy?”  And I never get the chance to respond, “I find funny, harmless, nice friends, give them 90% of myself and take 10% from them…Also, I watch “Pawn Stars” from 3p-4p everyday, and then I nap from 4p-5p.  Finally, I sleep the rest of the day.”

Most Current List of Who May Say N***er

1) Tarantino 

2) Rock (both Chris and The)

3) Any black person who was born in the United States. Especially in the Brooklyn, Compton, “and ya-say Chi-City” areas.

4) Alec Baldwin

5) A class reading/discussing Huckleberry Finn.

6) Louis C.K.

7) Donald Trump (only on the list because we think him saying it in public would be the quickest way to get rid of him. but I want to be very clear we don’t have him on this list to give him carte blanche to say it.) 

8) Jay Leno (see above)

9) An 80yr old grandmother who is just ignorantly asking for a Brazil Nut and not a lecture from her grandson. 

10) By the way, she paid for your NYU education!!!

Seriously, if you find yourself having a hard time not saying it please call (800) Travel Egypt, make travel arrangements, come back and see where you are with the word.



If you have ever wanted to try standup comedy, and you were thinking about paying the hundreds of dollars that standup teachers charge for their classes, please stop for a second. Consider taking my on-line course instead. I think it will work at least as well as any for-pay class out there….


Today the Supreme Court struck down DOMA and Prop 8. I’d like to say that I’m happy about it. But now that the federal debate is all but settled, I’d like to take the time to make fun of everybody involved.

Young People


A lot of people I know have equality symbols on Facebook. You know…

So great


I’m in a band. Pluimer made us a video.